Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Do you struggle with these things? Ever wonder why?

Chronic loneliness…

Feelings of emptiness and isolation persist even if you have a supportive partner or great friends. Opening up can be painfully difficult, and vulnerability is terrifying.

Low self-worth…

It’s so easy to find flaws in yourself and the things you do. You “know” you are a good person but frequently don’t feel like you are. You strive to be the best worker, parent, partner, friend, child… hoping that, one day, you will finally feel like you are enough.

Depression or anxiety…

Fatigue, low motivation, and the feeling of being under a dark cloud are common experiences in your life. Worry could be your middle name with the amount of time and energy your mind consumes with preoccupations about what awful thing might happen next or what other people are thinking about you.

Relationship difficulties…

Maybe you find yourself worrying that your partner is getting bored of you and has one foot out the door at all times. Or, perhaps you shrink away from the idea of relationships, consistently keeping things “casual” and leaving if the other person wants a meaningful level of commitment from you. The relief of ending the relationship before it gets too serious is quickly followed by loneliness, regret, and fear there is something wrong with you.

Hyper-independence…

You rarely, if ever, ask for help. There are many reasons for this: you are used to doing things yourself, you don’t want to be a “burden” to others, and you may at times feel that kindness directed toward you comes with expectations of giving something in return. However, you are perfectly content offering help to others.

Codependency…

You abandon your needs, feelings, and desires to take care of others to avoid feeling guilty or fear of a bad reaction from the other person. This looks like difficulty saying “no,” telling others you are “fine” when you are really not, and feeling like you cannot ask for support, time off, or rest.

Dissociation…

Feeling detached from your environment, people around you, your emotions, and even your own body. You may feel like you are floating outside of yourself, “going through the motions” of life, as though things and people around you are surreal, or like your emotions are held in a locked box you don’t always have access to.

These are all common symptoms of emotional neglect in childhood. If you struggle with these things, it might be because you grew up with at least one emotionally immature parent.

Some parents can’t HELP but traumatize their children.

Unfortunately, that’s often what happens when a parent is preoccupied, addicted, self-absorbed, or overwhelmed. And when they’re preoccupied with their own lives and needs, they’re emotionally unavailable to their children.

Sometimes, there’s also physical, sexual, or verbal abuse in these households. Sometimes there is not, which can leave adult children of emotionally immature parents questioning the validity of their pain.

Thinking back, did one or both of your parents have…

Difficulty regulating their emotions?

One minute, they seem fine, and the next, they are yelling, crying, slamming/breaking things, or giving you the cold shoulder. You walk on eggshells around this person, knowing that if they get upset, their reaction will be huge and out of proportion.

Addictions?

Work, alcohol, drugs, and sex/pornography are just a few of the things that can consume a person and prevent them from being emotionally and physically present for their kids.

Perfectionistic standards for you or your siblings?

You longed for approval from your parent but received feedback that nothing you did was ever good enough…

You brought home an A on your test and were asked: “Why isn’t it an A+?”

Your parent put you on diets early and insisted you looked and dressed how they wanted you to.

Your schedule was packed with sports, clubs, and other activities your parent believed would get you into the college of “their” dreams (whether it was your dream or not).

Lack of boundaries with their children?

Making a child a surrogate spouse, best friend, or therapist…

Requiring a child to parent other siblings…

Taking a child out on “dates”…

As a child, you might have felt close to this parent or like you have been trusted with a lot of responsibility.

As an adult, you struggle with setting boundaries of your own and with feelings of anger and resentment toward the parent you don’t fully understand. Your boundaries were violated, but no one talked about it that way, so you didn’t even understand it was happening.

Preferential treatment for one child over another?

A clear “good child” who can do no wrong (maybe this was you).

A clear “bad child” who is always the problem and scapegoated (or, maybe, this was you).

A parent gave more time, attention, and financial resources to one or more children and significantly less to others. Sometimes this causes conflict amongst siblings, while in other houses, the children keep their confusion and pain to themselves.

It’s painful growing up in these kinds of unpredictable and overwhelming environments.

Emotional neglect is a very real, very serious form of childhood trauma.

After all, children’s emotional needs are as important as physical needs. Whenever a parent doesn’t make a solid emotional connection with their child, significant emotional damage can be caused.

The outcome can be nervous system dysregulation that continues into adulthood, resulting in anxiety, depression, and symptoms of PTSD. Early in life, the lack of emotionally supportive relationships set up adults to struggle with negative self-talk and low self-worth.

And some people are surprised that emotionally immature parents aren’t always “a mess” or perceived as “immature” by those around them. Outwardly, they might look like they have it all together or are very successful.

You can understand this trauma, and you can heal it, too.

In therapy, you’ll have a safe and affirming space to explore your upbringing and how your unique childhood has affected your adult life. This is a nonjudgmental space, so I’ll always support you – including how you’ve decided to relate to your parents and siblings.

Our first step will be to validate your feelings and experiences, as many survivors of emotional neglect feel lost in the world of mental health – like they don’t fit in with other abuse survivors.

You’ll then learn how to recognize when your nervous system is dysregulated and how to restore safety and calmness to your mind and body. This will allow you to be more fully in the present and less entangled with frightening or painful reminders of the past.

Next, we will explore exactly which forms of negative core beliefs you have adopted because of neglect and how they show up in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in the present.

For example, deep down, you may feel worthless because of how you were treated as a child. When that feeling of worthlessness is triggered by a critical email from your boss, you notice a craving for sweets, and so you eat a chocolate bar. You feel a bit of relief, but that is quickly followed by a flood of guilt and a critical voice that disparages you for eating the candy.

This is a negative cycle of shame, comfort eating, and self-criticism. Neglect survivors circle through dozens of different self-defeating cycles in a day. They can be alleviated through mindful awareness of your body sensations and emotions, identifying how the impulse to react to these emotions and sensations is an old learned response, and consciously choosing newer, more adaptive responses that leave you feeling empowered.

You don’t have to suffer in silence anymore.

So many adult survivors of childhood emotional neglect live in quiet desperation.

Lonely, depressed, and unable to get their needs met, they live with a nagging question: “Is this going to be my life forever?”

It doesn’t have to be.

There is hope. You can live a fulfilling, deeply connected, emotionally rich life!

You are ready to heal, and I am equipped to help. So, give me a call: (407) 885-6151.